57 Funny New Year’s Resolutions To Usher In 2024

Keep in mind all of the naive and enthusiastic jokes we made about having that 2024 imaginative and prescient board because the hellscape that was 2023 rolled over and gave method to a recent set of one year? How woefully clueless we have been, huh? This previous 12 months hasn’t been a lot better and, if we’re being sincere, all too typically felt like it will by no means finish. Besides now it’s! We’re on the precipice of a brand new year, however so assist us, Kris Jenner, we’re not going into it with that “You’re doing superb, sweetie” perspective. No, we’re assembly 2025 with more wisdom and sufficient sarcasm to climate whatever sh*tstorm this new 12 months has ready for us. And that type of mindset means we’ve got needed to modify our goals for the New Year a bit. Rather less “new 12 months, new me” and extra “You must earn my respect, 2025!”

To appease your soul and put a smile in your face, we’ve gone forward and listed some humorous New 12 months’s resolutions which are extra becoming for the roaring twenties we’re truly experiencing versus what we thought we might. Hope they encourage you to jot down your individual hilarious resolutions that you just positively don’t should preserve past New Year’s Eve.

Humorous New 12 months’s Resolutions for 2025

1. Cease doom scrolling on Twitter.
2. Stay my greatest life and solely purchase pants with no buttons or zippers.
3. Go vegan for six months and inevitably surrender.
4. Top off on recent vegetables and fruit — and eat them earlier than they flip into inexperienced thriller goop at the back of the fridge.
5. Sign up for a marathon that I bravely is not going to truly run.
6. Unfollow all of the Kardashians however kontinue to maintain up.
7. Keep in mind to make in a single day oats the evening earlier than, though I do know I received’t wish to eat them within the morning.
8. Go on a vitamin and complement procuring spree and end a minimum of one bottle earlier than I surrender.
9. Purchase all leftover 2024 calendars and burn them.
10. Go exterior. Within the *gulp* recent air.
11. Choose motion pictures on Netflix swiftly and decisively in order that, you understand, I truly hit play earlier than falling asleep.
12. Flip all my high-heeled footwear into flats.
13. Refuse to acknowledge the whole thing of 2024 throughout social gatherings.
14. Handle to go the complete 12 months with out by accident telling somebody random on the cellphone “Love you” as the decision ends. Though the scheduler from my dentist’s workplace did appear to understand it.
15. By no means take HomeGoods journeys without any consideration, not as soon as, not ever.
16. Unfriend each one who shares their unsolicited eating regimen or train routine.
17. Take extra days off and burn Slack off my cellphone once I do.
18. Develop into the GOAT at sarcasm.
19. Comply with Gina Linetti’s advice and switch my tweets right into a guide.
20. Cease shopping for up all of the butternut squash gnocchi at Trader Joe’s as quickly as they restock. Go away some for the opposite buyers.
21. Share my New 12 months’s Eve champagne.
22. Have eyebrows as symmetrical as a Wes Anderson film.
23. Maintain kicking ass and taking names, as a result of detailed record-keeping is vital.
24. Do so much yoga that it truly justifies sporting yoga pants 24/7.
25. Make so many baked items for my besties that they begin calling me Martha Stewart.
26. Learn extra (or a minimum of flip the subtitles on whereas binge-watching TV).
27. Rigorously learn all the instructions on a field of meals earlier than throwing it away in order that I don’t should go rubbish diving halfway by means of making Hamburger Helper.
28. Come to phrases with the truth that John Mayer is sort of 50.
29. Don’t textual content that toxic person again. the one. We all have one.
30. Fart in entrance of my squad with no disgrace.
31. Cease making lists that embody making extra lists.
32. Eat extra tacos.
33. Wield each spare wrapping paper tube I come throughout as a makeshift lightsaber.
34. Keep within the toilet whereas I brush my enamel.
35. Cease ingesting orange juice after I’ve brushed my enamel.
36. Cease daring folks to lick frozen flagpoles.
37. Be OK with having to make a couple of journey from the automobile to herald groceries. The human arm can solely maintain a lot.
38. Floss on daily basis — and never simply with wild abandon within the week main as much as a cleansing.
39. Discover extra causes to make use of the phrase “verisimilitude.”
40. E book that bougie journey, lady.
41. Truly placed on a full outfit for Zoom calls (though, let’s be actual, business-on-top-PJs-below by no means damage anybody).
42. Get waxed with out feeling obligated to make awkward small discuss.
43. Cease forcing my household to make New 12 months’s Resolutions. Phrase to the clever: Eight-year-olds DGAF.
44. When assembly with buddies, I’ll cease telling the identical jokes. Or I’ll make new buddies.
45. I’ll cease saying “Mmmm, how good” through the inspection on the airport. It appears that evidently that is solely frightening them.
46. I’ll drink extra. Benjamin Franklin appears to have stated that beer is proof of God’s love.
47. Inform extra folks to f*ck off.
48. Be a extra multipurpose good friend. I’m down for brunch, lunch, the seashore… just about any actions that finish in -ch or no matter. Simply hit me up.
49. Surrender blaming the household canine for each unusual scent in the home (particularly once I comprehend it got here from me).
50. Chorus from lurking awkwardly in entrance of a can of peas on the grocery retailer for 10 minutes, pretending to learn the rattling Le Sueur label for the one centesimal time, simply because somebody has their cart parked in entrance of the canned veggies I really need. I’ll go round. And circle again. , in a much less lurky approach.
51. Learn the books I carry to the seashore. However, for actual.
52. Harness each little bit of willpower I’ve to not hit the elevator button repeatedly in a futile try to make it go sooner.
53. Inform the physician the reality once they ask what number of drinks — alcoholic or caffeinated — I’ve in a month.
54. Belt out each Taylor Swift track I hear all 12 months lengthy. No disgrace. No regrets.
55. Give my pups extra pep talks.
56. I’ll cease procrastinating. , after subsequent week.
57. Cease.Googling.Signs.