After my divorce, I wasn’t precisely on the lookout for love. I used to be on the lookout for connection. One thing enjoyable. Somebody who didn’t ask for a lot however provided a secure area to determine who I used to be post-marriage. What I received was a whirlwind romance with a girl who swept me off my toes — solely to drop me flat on my face.
It began quick. Too quick, in hindsight. She stated she favored to go huge when she cared about somebody. I mistook that for kindness. She showered me with costly presents I by no means requested for: a designer bag and necklace, virtually a whole new wardrobe with garments that match her style, and she or he even provided to pay my month-to-month invoice on a brand new three-row automotive so all 4 of our children might match. She booked a luxurious weeklong journey to the 4 Seasons in Cabo simply two months after our first date. I stored considering, Is that this what queer love seems like? Is that this the way it’s alleged to really feel?
As a lesbian newly navigating courting once more, I needed to consider this was simply passionate sapphic power. Girls falling for ladies — isn’t that what the memes say? That we transfer quick, really feel deeply, and merge lives inside a month? Or three dates, because the U-Haul joke goes. I used to be cautious, however I additionally needed that connection. After years of being emotionally sidelined in my marriage, being needed so intensely felt… intoxicating.
However then got here the confusion.
She’d inform me that I used to be probably the most stunning girl she’s ever seen, however observe it up with telling me I ought to get a much less boring haircut, attempt fillers in my snicker traces, acquire some weight, and put on extra trendy garments. She’d plan a romantic getaway after which inform me she’s 100% in after we’re collectively however 75% out after we’re not. After I requested for readability, she couldn’t clarify it. All of that got here with not-so-subtle reminders of her generosity. Was I asking for an excessive amount of? Was I misinterpreting her grand gestures?
That’s the factor about love bombing: It disguises manipulation as romance. It is affection weaponized. It’s curated vulnerability designed to fast-track intimacy, solely to yank it away while you begin believing in it. She wasn’t falling in love with me. She was performing affection, and I used to be the viewers — determined for one thing actual.
When she lastly informed me it wasn’t going to work — as a result of, as she put it, I’m too fundamental, don’t have sufficient recreation or swag, stay within the improper metropolis, and since she doesn’t discover security in stability (sure, one week after the beachside breakfast in mattress and just a few days after assembly my children) — I used to be crushed. Not simply by dropping her, however by realizing I had fallen for somebody who by no means supposed to catch me.
On the time, she hadn’t talked about that whereas courting me, she was additionally making an attempt to persuade a girl in Australia (somebody she had dated earlier than me and nonetheless had emotions for) to stop her job and transfer in together with her in Los Angeles, payments lined. I felt silly. Ashamed. Like I ought to’ve recognized higher, particularly with all of the crimson flags waving in my face the entire time.
That’s the factor about love bombing: It disguises manipulation as romance. It is affection weaponized. It’s curated vulnerability designed to fast-track intimacy, solely to yank it away while you begin believing in it.
I did get some stable solo pics from the Cabo journey for my courting profile, so at the least there’s that.
I’m making an attempt to be kinder to that model of myself — the one who was freshly wounded, open-hearted, and hopeful. That lady didn’t fall for the presents. She fell for the concept that she might be cherished in return. And there is nothing silly about wanting that.
Love bombing taught me one thing essential: Actual love doesn’t want a stage. It does not need to show itself with value tags or extravagant declarations. It’s constant. It’s mutual. It doesn’t gaslight you into confusion; it grounds you in reality.
I’m nonetheless therapeutic. Nonetheless studying to belief my intestine. But when somebody ever tries to win me over once more with a procuring spree or a shock journey earlier than they’ve even bothered to know me, I’ll pause. I’ll do not forget that love is not one thing you carry out; it’s one thing you develop, slowly, collectively.
And subsequent time, I gained’t mistake fireworks for basis.
Jill Layton began writing professionally over a decade in the past when she realized her emails and texts had been form of humorous. She’s a author for Scary Mommy, Bustle, Finest Merchandise, and different enjoyable websites. She additionally writes radio adverts and is a ghostwriter for a comic — don’t inform anybody. She’s the mother of two sarcastic children and the world’s most good canine.
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